SEATTLE — It’s supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year, filled with holly and jolly while you walk in a winter wonderland. The songs wouldn’t lie to you, would they?
But if you’ve lost someone close to you – recently or long ago, from COVID-19 or in an accident, whatever the circumstances – the holiday season can be anything but merry and bright. It can be downright painful.
“You have another whole layer of pain because the person you're missing is not there to be part of those traditions that you always had them there for,” said Pat LeBaron, a hospice chaplain at EvergreenHealth in Kirkland.
For these folks, the final weeks of the year instill a feeling of dismay.
“It just feels empty, and there's something wrong about it,” LeBaron said. “You dread the holidays because they're not going to be there, and you're not quite sure how you will survive the holidays. So it's important to have a plan so that they don't just come up on you and then you're not prepared.”
At the same time, having a willingness to abandon that very same plan is important. Sometimes, the event you've chosen to participate in might not feel right. Have a backup plan.
“Part of it is acknowledging that you are grieving, finding supportive people that you can talk to about it that understand,” she said. “That can be a support group or a friend or a grief counselor. There's resources that you can use to sort of help with that.”
You or someone you know may still be experiencing grief despite not grappling with the loss of a loved one. It's important to recognize this feeling is more common than you may think.
“Even if you haven't lost someone the holidays can be hard to go through because it brings up childhood memories,” said LeBaron. “We have this Hollywood idea of what holidays are supposed to be like, and they rarely live up to that."
As with every facet of life, this year has an extra unwelcome wrinkle in the raging pandemic, which can make you feel more isolated when you mourn.
“It's made grief more complicated because we need each other, we need people, we need human connection,” LeBaron said. “If folks are grieving from a death, they really need that kind of human connection to validate what they're going through, to remember the person that's gone [...] I also think that our culture, our country, our world is grieving because of what we've lost from COVID, so there's already a lot of grief out there.”
It can be difficult for friends to know how to support someone in mourning, so they may back away, thinking they need space. That’s not always the case.
“What's really important, I think, is that person that has died does not get forgotten. And so bringing up a memory of that person [...] that was like soothing medicine because you feel like I remember this person, I'm carrying them in my heart and in my head,” LeBaron said. Even something as simple as saying their name can bring a little bit of relief.
“It's helpful for friends or family to speak of that person and not be afraid to do that, and bringing up a memory, telling the story – that's kind of how you pass on their legacy is by remembering the stories. Those are those are really healing rituals that we have that we can use. Those stories are priceless, and they will go on as long as we can remember them.”
EvergreenHealth offers a number of grief and bereavement services to support those experiencing loss. Visit their website at https://www.evergreenhealth.com/grief for details.
Segment Producer Derek Haas. Watch New Day Northwest 11 AM weekdays on KING 5 and streaming live on KING5.com. Contact New Day.