05:51 PM PST on Tuesday, November 4, 2003

By JEAN ENERSEN / KING 5 News

SEATTLE - Everyone gets mad from time to time. But not everybody shows anger, especially women. Maybe they should.

There's groundbreaking news about women and rage and why there are benefits to expressing anger. All women feel anger with their husbands, their children, and on the job. It's a perfectly normal emotion. But often, women try to stifle it. That's a bad call, according to a new breakthrough book The Anger Advantage, which was written by three women psychologists.

"Holding back anger, hiding anger, pretending we don't have it, isn't good for women," said Dr. Deborah Cox, author of The Anger Advantage.

Instead, experts said, women must vent their frustrations constructively.

"Anger is a wonderful motivator in terms of getting us going to make changes in our lives," said Dr. Sally Stabb, another co-author of the book.

Changes in how we deal with situations and relationships can be key.

"Being angry doesn't mean being aggressive or abusive," said Stabb. "When you're fuming, step back, analyze and then express yourself."

"It's okay to sit down with your kid and say: 'You know, I'm really angry and I'm disappointed about what just happened.' "

Lea Marlin said she had to learn to listen to her feelings, but now teaches her family that it's okay to get miffed.

"It's working great with my kids," she said. "It's also working great with my husband."

In fact, Bruckner said spouting off at your spouse can be a real key.

"When you give each other permission to be honest about anger, that means you can talk about issues and you can receive support," she said.

"I'm working on expressing to them my anger without feeling guilty," said Barbara Baker, who said she used to be a "people pleaser" at her own expense. Now she says being honest is helping her and her marriage.

"If you get angry with somebody and they are willing to communicate with you, you're going to get closer," she said.

Once you've got your family feelings in synch, remember: anger can be your ally at work, too.

"A lot of women get angry and figure out, through that anger, that they're in the wrong job," said Cox. But she said there's still something stopping some women.

"A lot of people have the idea that, if they get angry openly, that means hurting somebody or blowing up and it really doesn't mean that at all," she explained.

Baker said giving herself permission to be peeved improved her life.

"It's a gift to yourself to be able to know that you can be angry with people you love and care about and still have them love and care about you," she said.

The American Psychological Association said this new research on women and rage is right on target.

“Anger can give us information about who we are and what we need,” said Dr. Bruckner.

Meanwhile, a new study from Harvard University found that men who express their anger from time to time may actually do the heart some good and have a lower risk of heart disease and stroke. Researchers say it's important to remember that moderation – even when it comes to your temper– is the key to good health.

Expressing your anger doesn’t mean being aggressive or abusive.

“A lot of people have the idea that if they get angry openly that means hurting somebody or blowing up and it really doesn’t mean that at all. It usually means talking in a (more stern, and perhaps slightly elevated) tone of voice about things that are upsetting and putting words to those feelings,” saidDr. Cox.

The authors say anger is empowering: “When you get to the point where you’re fed up with a particular job, or a particular person or a particular situation, then anger is a wonderful motivator in terms of getting us going to make changes in our lives,” said Dr. Stabb.

Anger can be enlightening: “Anger can give us information about who we are and what we need… what’s important to us, what we like and what we don’t like,” said Dr. Bruckner. She added, “You can think about anger as an emotion, a feeling that you have that is just the same as other feelings, like happiness or sadness, love, jealousy, or confidence. All of those feelings tell us about who we are, and anger can do that in a really important and specific way.”

“Anger is seen as a negative… something that is not attractive, not appealing for women, not feminine. And we’re asking women to take a second look at those messages that they get from society and be open to exploring and getting in touch with that feeling because it can be empowering,” said Dr. Bruckner.

According to Dr. Cox, when women ignore their anger and keep it bottled up inside there are greater risks to women’s mental health and their relationships.

“They get headaches, or they get upset stomachs, or they are depressed. They overeat, they break out in hives. There’s all kinds of signals that our bodies give us that there’s stored anger,” said Dr. Bruckner.

“We find that anger in a woman’s career path is a good thing, that a lot of women get angry and figure out through that anger that they’re in the wrong job or that they need to make a specific kind of change,” said Dr. Cox.

Dr. Bruckner says anger can also help your marriage. “When you give each other permission to be honest about anger, that means you can talk about issues and you can receive support,” she said.

Communicating your anger can help you become a better parent. “It’s OK to sit down with your kids and say, ‘You know I’m really angry and I’m disappointed with what just happened. You refused to help me out at dinnertime and I had really wanted your help,’” said Dr. Stabb.

Dealing with anger

Everyone has processes they use to deal with angry feelings. Successful approaches generally follow one of three paths.

• Expressing: The healthiest way to express anger is to be assertive. Make clear what you want to have happen, don't hurt others, and be respectful to everyone involved.

• Suppressing: Suppressed anger is held in, analyzed, and then redirected. The aim is to convert your anger into some more positive action.

• Calming: Learning to calm down inside can help manage anger in a positive, non-destructive way. Try taking a deep breath before saying or doing something you feel strongly about.

(Health and Wellness Program at Vanderbilt University)

Quick Anger Checklist:

 Do people tell you that you need to calm down?

 Are you tense much of the time?

 Is it hard to tell people what is really on your mind?

 Do you use alcohol or drugs to help you calm down?

 Do you have trouble sleeping?

 Do you feel that other people don't listen to you or understand you?

 Do the people you care about tell you that you have hurt them?

 Do you often feel like attacking someone either verbally or physically?

If you answer “YES” to more than two of these questions, you may need to seek help in dealing with your anger, according to the Health and Wellness Program at Vanderbilt University.