You know you're stressed out when:
- Your shoulders are so hunched up, your earrings are stuck in your sweater.
- You've got acne on your face, back, chest and places where acne doesn't belong.
- Your chocolate craving is your motivating life force.
- You'd rather get a colonoscopy than have dinner with friends.
- Your to-do list is so long you're tripping on it.
- You can't keep track of your basic gear: wallet, keys, glasses and children.
- Your heart is racing faster than a greyhound on coffee.
- There's not enough antiperspirant in the world to get you through your day.
- Your default facial expression is a grimace.
- People quit greeting you with "How are you?" and replace it with "What's wrong now?"
- Getting out of bed is the biggest impediment in your day.
- Getting to sleep at night is your second biggest.
- You can't find a good reason why you shouldn't kick puppies, slap babies or trip old people.
- You think road rage is good defensive driving.
- Your personal food pyramid is made up exclusively of alcohol, cigarettes, Cheetos and coffee.
- Your idea of a good lunch is leftovers from your child's Happy Meal.
- You operate on two levels: Fight and Flight.
- You're so addicted to cortisol (stress hormones) that your family's planning an intervention.
- You've developed a technique for applying makeup to draw attention away from your facial tic.
- You have no idea what a good night's sleep is.
- You're so burned out at work, the fire department lists you as a hazard.
- Your dominant personality traits are cynicism, negativity, frustration and impatience.
- You own and use more than three types of headache remedies.
- Your workload is so heavy your desk tips to one side.
- Your stress busters are chocolate, antidepressants, anti-anxiety medication and Scotch.
- You no longer worry about baldness because your hair has already fallen out from worrying about everything else.
- Your mantra is "Grin and bear it," alternating with "I hate this."
You know you're going to be fine when:
- You look up meditation classes on Craig's List.
- You talk to your doctor about a nicotine patch.
- You start an exercise program and have actually shown up for the first class.
- You say no to another charity fundraiser.
- Your kids quit leaving the room when you get home from work.
- You remember how to chop vegetables and wash fruit.
- You finally step on the scale and made peace with the fact that some changes need to be made.
- You discover deep breathing.
- You realize you're not holding your breath anymore.
- You go to bed at a reasonable hour and actually sleep.
- You get your blood pressure checked and find out it's not as high as it used to be.
- You realize you haven't taken any anti-anxiety medication for a while and don't need a refill.
- You reconstruct your personal food pyramid and it now looks a little like the USDA's.
- You no longer white-knuckle it when driving.
- You quit screaming expletives out your car window.
- You're still overwhelmed at work but you've got a plan for how to manage it.
- You figure out what freaks you out and eliminate it as best you can.
- You haven't rescheduled cancelled dinner plans with toxic friends.
- Your mantra is "This, too, shall pass."
You know you're balanced when:
- You realize that puppies, babies and old people are gifts in your life.
- You greet every day happy to be alive and well-rested.
- You enjoy healthy food you've cooked in your own kitchen and eaten at your own dinner table.
- You love your job and find it challenging.
- You get enough exercise and appreciate toned muscles.
- Your cravings are over and now chocolate is a pleasure, not a necessity.
- You know you'll never smoke, drink too much or take drugs again.
- You're a little tired, but that's what happens after a good day's work or play.
- Your family likes hanging out with you.
- Your kids are well-behaved and busy enough, but not running you ragged.
- You and your partner have time for each other.
- You're up-to-date on current events, the latest must-read novel and must-see movies.
- You make playtime a priority.
- Your house is clean enough, tidy enough and a joy to live in.
- You have time for friends and look forward to being with them.
- You have time for meditation, prayer or spiritual exploration.
- You know when your next vacation will be.
- You're excited about the holidays again.
- You're grateful.
- You have plans for a bright future.
- Your mantra is "Life is good."
About the Author
Jeanne Faulkner is a freelance writer and registered nurse in Portland, Ore. Her work appears regularly in Pregnancy and Fit Pregnancy, and she has contributed articles to the Oregonian, Better Homes & Gardens, Shape and other publications.
