Women and Self-Esteem

I'm too fat to go out tonight.

There's no way I'm going to get that promotion.

What's the point in joining the book club? It's not like anyone will talk to me.

Sound familiar? If so, it probably isn't because of your weight, your job skills or your ability to make friends. It's probably your self-esteem. Or, more precisely, your lack thereof.

Self-esteem, quite simply, is how you see yourself, how you feel about yourself and how you value yourself, says Jess Weiner, an author and self-esteem expert in Los Angeles, Calif. For many women, it's a positive thing because they view themselves in a positive light. But others are plagued by low self-esteem. And, sadly, this can wreak havoc on your relationships and rob the joy out of life.

"It can be disastrous," says Weiner.

Yes, that's right--disastrous. And not only does low self-esteem manifest in many ways, but there are a myriad of reasons for its development. Sometimes it's the result of a difficult upbringing; sometimes the cause is more subtle than that.

According to the Mayo Clinic, self-esteem starts forming early in life. Factors that can influence self-esteem include:

• Your own thoughts and perceptions
• Other people
• School experiences
• Sports experiences
• Work experiences
• Illness, disability or injury
• Culture
• Religion
• Role and status in society

And if, according to the Mayo Clinic, "you receive mostly negative feedback and are often criticized, teased, ridiculed or devalued by others, you're more likely to think that you're not good enough and to struggle with poor self-esteem."

Women with low self-esteem often find themselves in abusive or co-dependant relationships, and they often struggle to accomplish their goals because they think they don't deserve success. Unhealthy behaviors such as binge drinking or reckless driving are also common, as is constantly asking for opinions and reassurance from others. Some women with low self-esteem overindulge in food, and some isolate themselves from friends and family. Some may neglect their own physical needs by failing to brush their teeth or bathe regularly.

The one thing all women with low self-esteem have in common, however, is a general sense of worthlessness. It doesn't matter how intelligent, beautiful or popular they are, they look in the mirror and see someone who is stupid, ugly or undesirable.

Improving Self-EsteemIf this sounds all too familiar, there is good news--low self-esteem can be reversed, says Weiner. However, it takes effort.

"A woman has to take a very honest look at the relationships in her life," Weiner says, adding that many women with low self-esteem come from dysfunctional families. "You cannot grow up in this world and not be affected by where you came from."

Once you recognize the problem, Weiner says, you can take action. First, put together an "esteem team," a small group of people who believe in you and are willing to support your efforts to improve your self-esteem. She also urges women to stop spending time with people who bring them down.

If you're hanging around with a group of people who make you feel bad about yourself, she says, "It's time to start looking for new friends." In other words, jettison those .

Also, realize that self-esteem won't improve overnight. Weiner recommends making "small and steady steps of change." For example, if you're not comfortable inviting a group of friends to dinner, start by inviting just one friend. If you know exercise will improve your mood but don't like the way you look in your gym clothes, start by putting on jeans and sneakers and taking a walk in the park.

"This is a journey," she says, adding that some women will need professional help in order to reach the destination. She recommends finding a cognitive-behavioral therapist who has experience counseling women who come from dysfunctional families and co-dependant backgrounds.

Before and AfterSo, is the journey worth it? Absolutely, says Weiner, because women with healthy self-esteem tend to lead more fulfilling lives. They bounce back from bad days, and they understand that they are worthy of love and success in life.

"Self-esteem gives you balance and perspective," she says.

This is something Lauren Mayer, a 50-year-old mother of two from San Mateo, Calif., can attest to. Growing up in a family that valued brains over beauty, she earned high academic marks and spent a lot of time honing her musical skills. However, she never felt pretty. As a result, she gravitated toward dysfunctional relationships with men who reinforced her insecurities. Even after she got married, had children and established a successful career, she still looked in the mirror and saw an unattractive woman.

"I thought I did not deserve to be loved and that I did not deserve to be treated well," she says, adding that she often failed to take care of her own needs and felt miserable on most days.

Things started to turn around for Mayer as she approached her 40th birthday. Thanks to some supportive co-workers, she realized that she suffered from low self-esteem, so she enlisted the help of a counselor to help her work through her issues. In time, she became a happy, confident woman. These days, Mayer is thoroughly enjoying her life.

"I am having fun now," she says. "It doesn't mean I don't get stressed out … but now I am not afraid to put myself out there."