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Married ... with friends
 Jerry and I spent hours together. As college buddies and co-editors of the campus newspaper, we often worked into the wee hours of the night, comparing dreams on being journalists. We even traveled together. Several years ago when we both married other people, it seemed fitting that Jerry asked me to be a bridesmaid in his wedding. We'd been good friends for years.
Since those early, carefree days before we both said 'I do,' our relationship has changed considerably. Today we devote most of our attention to our mates - yet we still touch base on a regular basis. No matter how close a friendship, marriage inevitably alters the relationship. 'We might have a fantasy about things remaining the same after we marry, but real life intervenes and things change,' says Tina Tessina, a Long Beach, Calif., psychotherapist and author of 'How to Be a Couple and Still Be Free' (Career Press, $13.99). That's not to say that you should cast your friendships aside once you tie the knot - in fact, you shouldn't. 'Supportive friends are a great benefit to a marriage,' says Tessina. 'It doesn't bode well for a relationship if a person drops all of his or her friends, because that puts too much pressure on the new spouse.' Some men and women are quick to say that their partner is their best friend, but that's often not enough, says New York City author Florence Isaacs, who wrote 'Toxic Friends/True Friends: How Your Friends Can Make or Break Your Health, Happiness, Family, and Career' (Kensington Publishing Group, $14.95). 'No one person can fulfill all of your needs,' she says. 'Close friends - especially long-time pals - have a history with you. They can listen to you and understand things that your spouse may not.' It takes commitment and forethought to successfully weave friends into the fabric of your new married life, but it can be done. Single Friendships It stands to reason that the relationships most likely to undergo a post-marriage shift are those with your single pals. 'Not only are things going to change with your single friends, but they have to change,' says New Hope, Pa., author Leah Ingram, who wrote 'The Balanced Bride: Preparing Your Mind, Body and Spirit for Your Wedding and Beyond' (Contemporary Books, $16.95). 'You and your spouse are creating a family, and your priorities change.' 'My friend would like to go out dancing with me on weekends, but that's time I now spend with my husband,' says Jennifer Stanley, 26, a receptionist in Acworth, Ga. 'However, since my husband often travels during the week, we go out on weeknights.' The relationship dynamics may change considerably, but single friendships are still a definite plus for married people. Friends unencumbered by marriage often have a fresh perspective, and they're usually more available. Married friendships The easiest type of post-marriage friendship is your relationship with other married people. Married friends are often at the same place in life, making it easier to relate. 'My married friendships have improved considerably since my wedding,' says Wendy Vallier-McMillan, 39, a Santa Ana, Calif., elementary school teacher. 'Those relationships have become richer and more fulfilling, primarily because our lives are so similar, and we're able to do things as couples.' You're likely to find that your married pals share the same focus and parameters. If a friend wants to save money by renting a video instead of going out to the movies, you understand because you're probably in the same mind set. It's also healthy for your marriage to find and cultivate other couple friendships. Creating such friendships together with your mate is a natural progression of being married. 'Find the right couple and you can have lots of fun and learn quite a bit,' says Isaacs. 'Other well-adjusted, happy couples make wonderful role models. Such friendships give you the opportunity to see how other married couples interact with each other, problem solve and get through difficult times.' Cross-gender friendships A man or woman's friendship with the opposite sex generally changes considerably after marriage. Activities such as going out dancing and to dinner may now feel strange. Your best bet is to keep everything out in the open and to discuss boundaries for these friendships with your mate. Even though friendships change, there is one thing you can't change and that's the memories you've shared. My friend Jerry and I talk about the early years of our friendship with a certain fondness, which is a nice reminder of why we became friends in the first place. We both know that the other person is just a phone call away, and that's what matters most. © - Julie Bawden Davis is an Orange, Calif.-based freelance writer. |
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