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	In-Laws vs. Outlaws: How to be the former By Eve Glicksman We've all heard the jokes: "Take no chances - order all three," replied the man when asked if his deceased mother-in-law should be buried, embalmed or cremated." In-laws do not have to be outlaws, though. You have one important interest in common, after all: your son's or daughter's well-being. But how to get past the clashes and resentments that can erupt when a stranger enters the family? Here's what some children-in-law say, along with advice from family therapists. • No butting in. "Don't be a buttinsky," says psychologist Peter Wish, Ph.D., of Longboat Key, Fla., who has counseled families for 30 years. "Parents want to prevent children from going through the mistakes they made, but this deprives them of the opportunity to grow into independent adults." Don't rationalize unsolicited advice as concern, he stresses, or assume that giving your children a house down-payment entitles you to pick the house. Todd Fields, a realtor in Ft. Collins, Colo., advises, "Just let the children know you are there as a safety net if needed." • Flattery gets you everywhere. Sue Sylvester, a graphic designer in Parsippany, N.J., worried that she would never live up to her mother-in-law's high standards as a cook, housekeeper and wife. It means a lot, she says, when her in-laws rave about her meals or tell her how good she is for her son. That and hearing "I love you" from her in-laws goes far, she says. Conversely, criticizing your in-law or making comparisons to yourself can cause withdrawal, hurt or hostility. • When in Rome É Problems can arise when parents perceive differences in the in-law as a threat or rejection of their values or culture. Parents must respect when their children have chosen a different lifestyle, says Catherine Panzarella-Tse, who has been in a bi-cultural marriage for nine years. Panzarella-Tse praises how her Chinese in-laws have made the effort to adapt to her and their son's American ways when visiting them in Philadelphia. "In our house, they follow our lifestyle and I try to follow Chinese customs when I visit them," says Panzarella-Tse. • Stay guilt-free. Nix the guilt, says Horsley. "Parents need to build positive energy so it is fun for their children to be around them. Hearing, 'You don't call me enough' or 'you didn't thank me' is exactly what the kids don't want." Same goes for parents who act like their children are abandoning them if they relocate. Parents can also help by suggesting the children alternate families for the holidays each year, Horsley says. Unrealistic expectations can create guilt for the child-in-law, too. Parents shouldn't be hurt if their in-laws do not call them Mom or Dad because it is simply not the same relationship, Horsley notes. • We need to talk. "If your in-law is avoiding you, step back and ask what you are doing to create this feeling of them not wanting to be with you," says Wish. "Start by saying, 'I want to have a good relationship. Am I doing something that is hurting you?' Then, listen, hear and empathize." At the least, be courteous and respect your child's choice of a mate. © - Eve Glicksman is a Los Angeles-based freelance writer.
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