NEW YORK — Welcome back, Dave.
The former Late Show host came out of retirement to induct Pearl Jam into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, filling in for Neil Young, who was ill. Here are the best jokes from his hilarious introduction:
1. "I can't begin to tell you what an honor and a privilege it is for me to be out of the house, honest to God. I know Neil Young was supposed to be here and people are saying to me like I had something to do with it. And the truth with it is, the poor guy just can't stay up this late. It’s either that or the guy swallowed a harmonica."
2. "By the way, I’ve known Neil Young for many, many years. We met on FarmersOnly.com."
3. "In 1988 is when I met most of the people involved in Pearl Jam. We were in a band called Mother Love Bone. I wanted to change it to Mother Soup Bone and they said, 'Get out.' "STORY FROM XQ
4. "In 1991, things in the world of musical culture changed with an album entitled 10. It was like a Chinook coming out of the Pacific Northwest. It appealed to twentysomething people who felt displaced and unemployed and left out. I was almost 50 and even I was pissed off."
5. "In 1994, these gentlemen risked their careers by going after those beady-eyed, bloodthirsty weasels at Ticketmaster. Those blood-sucking, beady-eyed weasels — I'm just enjoying saying that."
6. "Because they did, because they stood up to the corporation, I'm happy to say that today, every concert ticket in the United States of America is free."
7. "As I've got to know these gentlemen, they're very generous. As a matter of fact, the entire balcony is full of former Pearl Jam drummers."
8. "These guys (were) on my television show 10 different times over the years. And every time, they were there, they would blow the roof off the place. And I'm not talking figuratively — they actually blew the roof off the place. For two years, I did a show without a roof on the (expletive) theater."
9. "You know the song Black? There was a period in my life when I couldn't stop going, 'Doo-doo-doo-doo, doo-doo-doo-doo.' ... Honest to God, that's all I could hear in my head and I thought, 'How many times does this refrain occur in the song?' I finally had to go to a hypnotist to stop. That night on the show I'm doing it and the stage door bursts open, and in walks Eddie Vedder. ... He looks me right in the eye and says, 'Stop doing that.' And I was cured, ladies and gentlemen."
10. "I had three shows left to go and Eddie Vedder was on that show and he sang Better Man. I like to tell myself it’s because it rhymes with 'Letter-man.' "